Lesson 4: it WILL get EASIER!

Howday!

Today is officially one year from the day when my world stopped (my introductory blog post explains why, how, what and where!)   Well, I thought it had stopped. But one year has passed, and despite the tears, pain, constant hurt, anger and shock.... I am still standing! The persistent feeling of emptiness that I thought would never go away has faded, and the smiles and laughter that I thought I lost for ever, returned with a vengeance!! I am LOL'ING all over the joint mate! :)

On this day a year ago, I couldn't see how I could live or go on without him, or what in fact would happen to our future. But I am still breathing, and my future is 100% in Gods hands. It is the danger of making man your all and everything, when they disappoint you, your whole foundation crumbles as it was founded on them and NOT on God.

It has taken LOTS of prayers, a whole load of soul searching, time alone, encouragement and words of wisdom from AMAZING friends and a lot of crying, but to God be the glory, I have made it this far.

I am still healing, I am still learning, but I know now that God has a much better plan for me and I am ready to move in accordance to His will and not my own.

Whatever hurt you are feeling right now, just know that it is temporary. I am sure people have reeled of numerous clichés to you, such as; 'time is a healer' etc, but trust me, it truly is. Things will get better, and after a while you will realise that your heart does not hurt as much as it used to, and you will find yourself laughing and smiling more and the empty feeling you feel now will eventually disappear.

Be patient. 

Please do not rush your healing process, please do not shut away your pain. Pour it out to God! Also, you could try starting a journal where you express how you are feeling, or even writing a poem or if you are musical, write a song!! Release the emotion, please do not store it away! I'll be praying for yall :)

It is well.

Ife Okan


To you, 
If you ever happen to read this just know that I have forgiven you, and I wish you all the best.  

xx 

Lesson 3: This isn't a basketball game, so don't go for the rebound!

Ladies, unless you are 6ft tall and playing in a basketball game; say NO to the rebound!!

Memo: that cute looking - nice- funny -attentive guy that has suddenly materialised as a potential boo thang a few weeks/months after your big Break Up (BU), is very likely to be a 'Rebound'.

 He may make you smile, he may make you feel better than you have been feeling in a long while and you may have been advsied that the best way to 'get over the ex is to move on to the next', but it does not change the fact that entering into a relationship with him so soon will be detrimental to your healing process!

Rebound relationships are a distraction from dealing with the pain from your heartbreak. It is understandable that you would want to avoid going through the healing process required post BU as it is such a painful, difficult and often long process. However, rebounds are not a cure for dealing with the pain, they simply assist in surpressing it. One day, the cracks will begin to show, and suddenly what you thought you had dealt with or the feelings you thought were gone will emerge, often causing hurt to others, maybe even affecting your marriage in the future *clicks fingers over head* God forbid!

"A wise woman knows that if she got into a relationship now, she would mess up someones life" (Heather Lindsay)

I decided post BU that I did not want to get into a new relationship. The only relationship that I wanted to develop was my relationship with God! I wanted to heal properly as well as have some much needed me time. Plus, I prayed and promised myself that the next relationship i entered into would not be with a 'random', but rather with the person who God wants me to be with for the rest of my life! I am not looking to go through this whole heartbreak thing again, no thanks!!

By Gods grace I did not enter into a relationship, but it wasnt easy! I aint no Nia Long or Hallie Berry, let me tell ya, but for some reason after I had decided to commit myself to God completely, I was getting propositions left right forward and centre, from some really 'decent fella's'!

Admittedly, I did entertain one or two of them, a couple of lunches here and there (i couldnt resist the lure of free food!), and engaging in daily conversations.  However, after the 'friendship' drifted apart, and I was alone once again, all the pain came rushing back and it was worse than it was before. I had not progressed with my healing whilst entertaining these 'friendships' rather, I had just put it on hold.

Even if you think the guy isn't just a random, and he may in fact be "the one", the man of your dreams *fill in adjectives here*, I would still advise you to wait. Allow yourself time to heal completely first, let God take away the pain and restore you fully, and teach you how to love again without fear. Do not feel pressured to get into a relationship with them, as you feel like you may miss out on the love of your life, or they are promising to love you forever and to make it all better! If he truly does love and respect you, and it is meant to be, then he will wait for you. Jacob served Rachel's father for seven years, but to him it felt like a "few days, for the love he had for her." (Genesis 29:13) - swoon.com! I do love a good romance story! ;)

What is important to know is that filling the holes and gaps in your life with another will not make you better or complete you. "Put not your trust in princes, nor in the son of man, in whom there is no help" Psalm 146:3. I have learnt that those empty places should be filled in with God. If you want to be loved and you feel alone, then seek Him more, as He is the lover of your soul and he cares about every thing about you, so you can talk to Him about your worries and concerns like you would talk to any other person.


It is painful, I know, to try and go through the whole healing process 'the right way', but continue to offer your heart up to God daily to heal and restore you. When the time is right for you to be with your Adam, you will know.

In the meantime, keep busy. Spend quality time with God, your family and your friends, and develop a relationship with yourself.

Ife Okan